A Look Back At My Home based, Hermetic Self

It’s funny how, for a long time, I had been writing about other people’s lives, people who basically  don’t know that I exist and people of my kind made a living even from one crazy comment they make in public. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s possible divorce, Jay-Z’s rumored affair with Rihanna or Rita Ora or the latest iPhone updates to name a few–these are the stories that kept me and my family back in Leyte alive aside from the income I got as an online tutor. For two years, I fared well working homebased after I break away from my last teaching job in Ormoc.

The shift from a highly-sociable environment like that in a classroom or in a school community to the hermetic walls that an online worker had been drastic. The decision coincided with the aftermath of the havoc made by the Haiyan and a bad breakup that made me question my self esteem. Indeed, there is such thing as a ‘dark night of the soul’ and, I think, that it was a long dark night then that blinded my being and sucked away all the sunshine in my soul. I had just turned 30 that time–unmarried and not tied to a regular day job, something that others in village cringe like I am some great mistake. I can just imagine my grade school teachers being frustrated learning that their once-bright-kid in class spends time at home, possibly without a job as she isn’t wearing any uniform. What a total waste! But well, why would I wear a uniform when all I have to do is sit in front of the computer and work.

I let these thoughts sink in, I let the darkness sink in as I work day in and day out feeling trapped in my own self, thinking that the darkness would last infinitely. Interactions are limited but I tried to hold on to the last strands of friendships through chatting and planning meetups. Then again, in those times, I found out something about myself. That a part of me will always be a loner. And no matter how hard I tried to make friends, it seems like I will naturally lose them along the way. This truth, I find it hard to accept in the beginning but, fortunately, I have successfully embraced it with all heart and soul as time goes by.

Now that I am working in Indonesia, back to teaching again, I still feel  the itch to get back into the online writing trade. Like I want to concoct another sugar-coated Kim Kardashian story or how Meryl Streep and other celebrities bash Trump. I like the anonymity and the thrill of stripping off of that stereotypical teacher air and transform to somebody who totally lives a different life outside the walls of the classroom. I miss the feeling of receiving money from people whom you haven’t met, the thrill that they may or may not pay you the next month. It’s a strange but exciting feeling that maybe, I have to forgo as I embrace a new era in my teaching career.

And thus, this blog is created simply because I miss writing so much like I feel like I am not me anymore if I cannot write. But maybe this time, I will be writing again, focusing on my fiction, something that I meaning to do all these years. This time, no more anonymity. This time no more writing about people who don’t know I existed. Or if I may write about them one of these days, the act won’t be a necessity anymore. And, I am also brimming to tell stories about Indonesia and my new life here.

Bye for now Kim, so long Beyonce! And cheers to a brand new determination to write brand new stories and blog posts in the coming months!


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